


See You On The Other Side

by 3amDebs



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: All mistakes are mine, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author has no beta, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes-centric, Canon Divergence - Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Spoilers, Gen, Heart, Hurt Bucky Barnes, I'm Sorry, M/M, Minor Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, No Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-05
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-29 04:45:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8475949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/3amDebs/pseuds/3amDebs
Summary: The soldier had missions and combat to call home. His heart concealed in a cold chrisom. But when that snow starts to melt, Winter bleeds into the warmth of his memories. A story about how a broken heart was mended by his past. Well, almost mended.





	

_Leaving, I hate to see you cry_

_Grieving, I hate to say goodbye_

_Dust and ash forever….._

 

"You've caused a lot of trouble, soldat. This should teach you a lesson. Next time you try to escape, we might just let you go."

A heavy full-blown laugh followed the words.

The gnarly scar running down from his left pectoral to his abdomen burned fresh on his skin. Cuts, bruises, scars weren't allowed enough time to change color like it normally did - from red to blue to purple to black. Signs of day-long tortures, injuries, wounds healed perfectly proving again and again how well the serum was working in his body. The soldier went to every mission in mint condition. Tailored clothes, personalized weapons which could only be activated with his palm prints, gadgets beyond the imagination of governments, all kinds of facilities to limelight the fact that the soldier was really an asset to HYDRA. The organization took care of its assets. But sometimes what happened beyond closed doors goes unnoticed, unknown to officials who were supposedly taking care of the asset.

The mission was going well until the numero uno of the Winter Soldier Ops program collapsed on the snow. Thank God the enemy thought he was dead! The soldier was brought to the base immediately as the surrounding operatives reported a clear field.

"What happened?" a booming voice filled every corner of the secret base demanding precise answers. It was almost funny to hear such a voice from a short plump man with glasses who looked like he would rather teach physics at a high school than run HYDRA operations.

The doctor checking the asset answered while trying to keep a steady voice. The tremble in the baritone was however, unmissable.

"Herr Zola, looks like....he suffered a heart attack."

"How serious?" Zola was an all-business no-nonsense man.

"Sir, his heart is weak."

"The serum isn't working?"

"This strain is different from what Dr. Erskine had originally developed. This might be one of the side effects of the serum itself."

"What do you suggest doctor?" Zola needed his soldier alive and working. At least not until the other soldiers were ready. All these training and skills simply could not be wasted.

"I will operate as soon as he's stable. Before that all findings are inconclusive."

The soldier wasn't aware of this conversation. He was still unconscious. Maybe dreaming. Assets weren't allowed to dream. Subconscious was a threat to the confederacy. What if dreams aren't dreams at all but memories locked away carefully by the doctors? Memories jeopardize missions. Thousands of dollars worth of research and hard work all brought down to its knees because of a dream or memories or whatever you want to call it. This happened once. When the soldier was sent to kill a very politically active family standing as a thorn in HYDRA's way, he had faltered. The father, the mother, the sister all were killed effectively. But one look at the sickly crying son of the family and the soldier had hesitated. The enhanced engineered pride of HYDRA managed to do nothing but raise the gun with shaking hands and miss the target. Confusion clouded the soldier's eyes like smoke-grey clouds in a sunny summer sky. No….more like an unexpected sun ray piercing through a heavily clouded monsoon welkin. Shouldn't killing be a muscle memory by now? Two back-up agents entered the room to finish the job. The soldier killed the two operatives with practiced ease. Then? He remembers how to take lives, he just took five. Then what's so special about this scrawny kid? Why does he want to protect him with every fiber of his being? The soldier was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed that someone had crept up behind him. He snapped out of his reverie as he was tasered and on the ground, seizing. He watched as the agent slit the boy's throat.

"No" the asset whispered as a trickle ran down his cheek, unfelt even by the soldier himself.

 

 

"Do you have the results doctor?"

It was hours after the initial conversation.

"Yes Herr Zola. The soldier is operational but organ substitution wasn't possible."

"Why so?" Zola was curious. His asset was mysterious no doubt.

"His body rejects the transplant every time. We've tried five times in a go. His body had the energy for the five tries but it would just not accept any other heart."

"Hmm...." Zola analyzed the information.

"Can he be back on the field again?"

"Yes he can be but no tasing or electrotherapy. It may cause serious damage. Damage beyond repair."

This vital piece of information was passed along from person to person, via circulars among the organization. Notifying everybody about this "no tasing" rule was of utmost importance.

HYDRA was a rogue alliance. So is it really surprising that a dastard syndicate will have rule-breakers among them?

The guards were on break. The asset was alone. And two such rule-breakers found their way to the asset's room. The soldier was presently being punished for his inability to complete a mission. Once again he had been unable to kill a boy. This time Zola was sure why the soldier had dithered. The kid was wearing a t-shirt with Captain America's shield printed on it. Subconscious was indeed very dangerous.

Electrotherapy wasn't an option anymore so there goes brain-wiping. Zola had, hence, resorted to primitive ways of physical torture to remind him that incomplete missions result in pain. The wounds would not be there but the agony will be. Zola believed that pain doesn't break people. It is the fear of pain that does the job. In this case, especially effective 'cause no evidence of the pain will remain but the pain itself. The serum takes care of the body, not the soul. Hands chained together the, soldier was hanging from the ceiling by the same chain, just a couple of inches from the floor. Head hanging down, black hair matted to his forehead with sweat and blood, the soldier maintained his position silently. The squaddie never complained. Never said a word. With his eyes closed the soldier wasn't ugly to look at. In fact he looked serene. A beautiful boy in his late twenties. Lips, now caked in red of the blood, once must had been covered in red lipstick. His lips weren't the only thing smeared in red though. Raw on his bare back, lashes of whips had made its mark. Ugly, ugly scars. Ichor trickled from the gashes coupled with clotted blood crisscrossing with fresh crimson drizzles across the cross-section of his pale skin. The light and dark shade of blood created its very own design like drying water channels snaking an arid land. Under the dull yellow light illuminating the room, the soldier seemed fragile.

 

"You're gonna get us killed."

"Shut up and follow my lead."

One of them leaned closer to the asset. He took out something from his pocket.

"Hey is that a taser? We were specifically told no tasers!"

The one with the taser whispered in the asset's ears with a sly smile, "What do you think will happen if we tase you?"

He wasn't expecting an answer but he received a reply. The asset had whispered back to him.

"Anatoly what did he say?"

"I could be wrong but I think he said "Do it.""

Both were equally surprised. They exchanged a look and the guy called Anatoly, jabbed his taser on the asset's stomach. The soldier winced and jerked feeling the sudden rush of electricity coursing through his body. The rusty shackles came to a halt after emitting a monotonous sound from the soldier's sudden violent movements. The asset slipped from his consciousness. Anatoly and his partner sneaked out of the room leaving the broken boy soldier shattered hopelessly beyond reparation.

 

_Never thought I'd feel like this_

_Strange to be alone,_

_But we'll be together_

_Carved in stone….._

The soldier was put to cryogenic stasis after the incident. He was awoken once again, after decades probably, to kill the head of SHIELD named Nick Fury. He failed in his first attempt as Fury was too clever to get caught. The second attempt was successful. Hiding in Captain America's apartment? Really? That's pathetic! Captain had thrown his shield at him. He knew the Captain was surprised as he caught the thing in one swift move and threw it back at him. Had he held this shield before? Why did it feel so familiar? This sense of familiarity had got him in trouble before. He was not about to let that happen once again. The soldier disappeared in a blink of an eye while the Captain was recovering from the revelation of somebody else handling his weapon with perfection. He saw the man standing on the ledge of the roof looking for him as he made his way towards his base. He didn't go to the base though, as he received a message on the way to show up in the house of HYDRA's operating chief for his next target.

"Two targets. Level six. They already cost me Zola. I want confirmed deaths in ten hours."

The soldier listened silently and watched like an immovable non-living object as his chief killed the house maid for walking-in on them. He returned to the base after that. He had a dreamless sleep. Just like he wanted.

On the next day, the fight was proceeding with all his vigor. The Captain was well skilled but the soldier’s counter-moves were equally effective. He wasn't called the Winter Soldier for nothing. He almost had the Black Widow when the Captain threw himself at him to save the girl. Pity! The asset could feel himself become tired, his heart throbbing in his chest, making him painfully aware that he was still flesh and blood with a beating heart. The weariness was shrouding him fast when the Captain got the better of him. The soldier rolled on the ground, stood up and faced the Captain without his mask. The wretched thing was lying at his feet. The Captain seemed like he had seen a ghost. Surprise, shock, happiness, guilt - a mesh of emotions fighting its way out of Captain America. He gaped at the Winter Soldier and called him Bucky.

"Who the hell is Bucky?" the asset had said but damn did the name feel familiar!

He faltered once again before raising his gun towards the Captain. A blast from the Widow's weapon gave him cover to escape without a scratch. His metal arm was malfunctioning. Time to repair his arm and his stability.

While at the base, where the engineers where busy mending his arm, he started to remember. Images and a voice, the Captain's voice to be exact, flashed through his mind like grainy pictures from an age-old film. He felt being buried alive in ice. The drip was doing nothing to improve his condition. The heart monitor beeped lazily beside him. He didn't get the time to process or calculate his moves as he punched the guy mending his arm to the opposite corner of the room. After a few moments the chief showed up. He was definitely in trouble. He knew he was in fatal situation but still his mind was wandering off to the man on the bridge. The chief kept asking for his mission report. When the question went unanswered, the slap brought him back to the present. After a mental war with himself, he asked the chief. Words were tumbling from his mouth. His lips only knew how to say, "ya gotov otvechat." Other words felt foreign to him. He spoke in pauses.

"The man on the bridge… who was he?"

"You met him earlier this week on another assignment."

"I knew him."

The chief gave a mini-speech following this conversation. He even praised him. But only one sentence lodged in his mind. "I need you to do it one more time." The asset knows full well what this means. "One more time." This was his last mission. He had caused enough trouble as it is. Of course, he's replaceable. He had known all along that he was replaceable. But suddenly he didn't want to die. He had to finish this mission. What if completing the job changed their mind? They might keep him alive! He was weak and had rejected transplant but they could try again wouldn't they? After all, this was his home. His safe place. Finally when he was about to request them for one more chance, a blend of alien words left his lips - "but I knew him." This wasn't the Winter Soldier speaking. This wasn't the asset. This was someone else. Maybe it was better this way. He abandoned all hope when the chief resorted to electrotherapy to wipe these memories, these familiar feelings. His five senses were fully alert about what was going to happen and he didn't raise a finger to stop them.

 

The fight on the helicarrier was fierce. HYDRA had sent him without his mask. He was very curious to know why and he got his answers. The Captain was distinctly reluctant to fight him. His pain oozing out of  his arresting visage. He addressed him by a strange name. When the soldier didn't answer, the Captain clenched his teeth, tried hard to hide his misery and attacked the soldier. The asset had no idea why his face without the usual vizard was affecting the Captain so much. But he didn't care. The Winter Soldier didn't remember. It was a fight for survival. He had to win.

 

He was losing. The Captain had broken his arm, taken the chip and was running towards the core to replace it with one of the already existing one. The asset took out his gun. He had an excellent aim. He had always been a brilliant sniper. First one was a calculated shot at the Captain's thigh to slow him down, he missed the second, but the third one got him for good. The soldier’s lips twitched to form a wicked winning smile. But still, somehow, the Captain managed to do his job! The three helicarriers at about 40,000 feet were shooting at one another. A large metal railing fell above the soldier. With his flesh arm dislocated, he was well and truly trapped. He saw the Captain returning towards him. Fear gripped at his rapidly beating heart. The Captain was returning to finish him. He put all his might to push away the giant metal railing but to no avail. After a couple of seconds, the railing moved a bit from top of him so he got enough space to wriggle himself free from the weight. The Captain had freed him?! No, no more questions. He attacked the other man with whatever strength he had left.

"You know me."

"No I don't." The soldier punched him hard with his metal arm.

The Captain opened his mask. "Bucky, you've known me your whole life."

Don't concentrate on his words soldier, complete your mission. Confused he punched him again. The Captain stumbled and dropped his shield in the water. "I'm not gonna fight you. You're my friend."

Friend? Hell no. Assets don't have friends, only missions.

"You're my mission." He threw the Captain on the floor, got on top of him and punched him incessantly.

"Then finish it 'cause I'm with you till the end of the line."

Brutally injured Captain America said thirteen unfamiliar words to the Winter Soldier. But they weren't unfamiliar to Bucky. Each word triggered a memory so vivid that the soldier could see it happening right in front of his eyes. A scrawny, blue-eyed, sickly kid returning from his mother's funeral with his best friend at his heels. The best friend was no one else but the Winter Soldier himself. Except he wasn't the Winter Soldier. He was Bucky. Steve's Bucky. He remembered saying these exact words to Steve. His Steve. Oh God what had he done?

 

The soldier was no longer present. Instead Bucky was staring at a very injured, possibly dying Steve. He did this to him. Once he was willing to die for Steve and now.....how could he let this happen? He didn't deserve a second chance. As Steve fell from the helicarrier towards the Potomac below, Bucky kept staring at him who wouldn't lay a finger on him once his work was done. His work was to save people, not kill the soldier. Captain America was nothing like the Winter Soldier. But memories don't just stop at the good part. Bucky realized why so many years ago he had refused to kill that kid for HYDRA. ‘Cause that kid reminded him of Steve. Back then he didn’t remember him but his body did. Memories of Steve were buried deep in his skeleton, too deep to get rid of. Echoes of all those he had killed, all those innocent lives he had taken came rushing at him, deafening his senses. Bucky was no longer human. Demons had no place on Earth. There was a special place in hell for people like him. As a last act of redemption he pulled Steve out of the water. He stood there for a couple of moments to make sure he was okay, that he was breathing. Thank God he was. He would've apologized but his actions weighed a lot more than a meager sorry. He didn't want his tainted existence to mar the Captain's purity and innocence. Bucky went away with his memories and his guilt. Far away from DC. Far away from Steve. His Steve.

_Hold me, hold me tight I'm falling_

_Far away, distant voices calling_

_I'm so cold, I need you darling…._

 

Bucky closed his diary as he felt fatigue wash over him. He didn't want to fight anymore. He had done enough of that already. Far too much to last two lifetimes. Sleep was taking over him hastily. He knew he wouldn't be waking up anymore. His heart was jaded and overworked. Far away in an unknown land in a dingy, shabby apartment he was lonely but at peace. He thought about the bedtime stories that his Ma used to tell him. How a Dragon or a Demon was slain by a heroic, valiant prince. He never thought he'd end up being the demon himself. But God had been merciful enough. He had sent a heroic, valiant prince for him who did not slay him but freed him from his curse.

He longed for Steve. His heart ached for Steve. To see him one last time, to feel his touch, to be his Bucky once more. Didn't Bucky deserved to have his last wish granted? No he didn't. The soldier couldn't be granted any last wish. He looked at his diary full of memories that he wrote down in fear of losing them yet again. A letter peeked from in-between the pages. He knew Steve would find him. But it would be a bit too late. Now he knows why he had rejected transplants every time. His heart was beating for someone else. The ticker keeping him alive was just a shadow of it beating somewhere else, somewhere safe. He kept looking at the diary as he fell into a deep sleep. He dreamt as much as he could. He dreamt of two little boys on a dusty playground in 1920's Brooklyn.

"Hi I'm Steve Rogers."

"Nice to meet you Steve. I'm James Buchanan Barnes."

"That's too long. Can I call you Bucky?"

The brunette grinned broadly, "Yes you can."

Bucky murmured in his sleep smiling oh so peacefully, "yes you can....yes you can...."

 

_I was down, but now I'm flying_

_Straight across The Great Divide_

_I know you're crying, but I'll stop you crying_

_When I see you on the other side....._

 

Wondering what the letter said?

"To my Punk,

You released me from the Winter. Your warmth melted the ice around my cold, cold, heart Steve. I would say forgive me but I'm a greedy man so what I want is for you to remember me. Remember me Steve. Please remember me.

Forever yours, Bucky."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! (^_^)
> 
> I would like to thank all the stunning fics I've read here which inspired me to write. If you find any similarity between my writing style and someone else's, it's because I've spent half my life lurking on ao3. 
> 
> The title and the song is taken from Ozzy Osbourne's See You On The Other Side.


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